Living in the Hunger

Some people with mental illness blame their meds for making them fat. I gained 50 pounds over a five year period. However, I don’t blame my meds. I blame my hunger, a hunger that refuses to let me be still. A hunger that wants more and more, demanding me to eat to fill myself up. I couldn’t just live with the hunger. I couldn’t be still. I weighed 170 pounds and I couldn’t accomplish anything in my life, least of all losing weight. I flitted from one activity to the next stuffing my face with food in the inbetween times. I couldn’t finish projects that I started. I had 15 years sobriety from alcohol. I had mastered my cravings for it but here I was again dealing with other hungers.

Hunger is about an internal yearning of the heart not about collecting more and more of that substance you yearn for. Hunger is about sitting with the yearning, longing, pain for just how long you need to be moved to action. Putting ones dreams and hungers into action is what life is all about. It’s a long journey but there is a completion.

So sometimes you just have to sit in the hunger. Don’t feed it with food or anything else. Just see how it feels to be your hunger. Find out what you truly are hungry for. I started seriously meditating again. This time I didn’t need to go to a meditation center. I sat cross-legged on my yoga mat. I also joined a gym and started seeing Brian, my personal trainer. Brian taught me how to exercise and gave me advice on healthier eating strategies. The meditation and the exercise helped shape a new rhythm to my days. I was making better mealtime choices, every so often slipping up and having a treat. This new rhythm involved planning my activities in a planner each week. This new rhythm forced me out of my every day depression. Suddenly I could feel my hungers and I didn’t want the extra food.

***

I just found out that my thyroid is the reason for my obesity. I used to be 110 pounds and my medication never caused weight gain. I have to now take thyroid medication in addition to my psych meds.

 

What do you hunger for? Do you stuff your hungers down with physical things?

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