With my fires tempered by medication, I am left to deal with the other part of me, the water that which floods me, drowns me, choking the breath out of me. Anti-depressants cause mania in me. I refuse electroshock for it may damage my photographic memory. The trouble with having a memory that will not allow you some slack of forgetting is you tend to feel the world’s pains more intensely and there is nothing you can do to shut it out. I’m not the kind of depressed who can’t get out of bed rather I walk around in a state of fog feeling intensely for the world’s dilemmas. Most of the time these periods follow mania but sometimes they come on their own. I’ve always been one to have tears in her eyes at the evening news or just looking at a dead tree. Beauty and blight tear my heart asunder. I think my depressions allow me to see all sides of what’s happening in the world, the contradictions of what people say on the news. This is how I have to live. I must face my days knowing I’ll never know the elation of mania again, but will have to live trapped by the flood of darkness surrounding me. I read a Boston Globe article on facebook about a young girl who jumped from an overpass to her death, a bright young, talented girl. She died like my friend Cat, the same exact way. It was eerie the similarities. Suicide is not an option for me, at least not today. I have tried to end my life twice, both times overdosing on pills and alcohol, both times being rushed to the hospital. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to live; it was that I couldn’t stand to feel this deeply for the world. I saw no solution but to live on another plane of existence. Today, thanks to years of therapy, I see that this highly developed sense of feeling can assist me as an artist/writer. There are ways one can learn to experience emotions deeply and just let them pass by like a wave.
Do you feel emotions so strongly it is emotionally blinding? Please share.