My Depression is a tsunami triggered by my mania sweeping away positive people, opportunities, hope, my self-worth, self-love, every shred of self-esteem. It is a cliche and an original, a tornado funnel cloud showering voices, hallucinations, self-doubt; anxiety is like a shaking earthquake.
My Depression thrives on hospitals, pills, electroshock. Suicide attempts feed its overwhelming desires. It feeds on nothing, triggered by moments of joy, stealing all feelings, robbing me of experiences of love, tears tell my story.
My Mania. Sex with strange men in phone booths, six-foot high grandiose dreams erupting into a skyscraper of desires; Ideas float in the air and come rapid-fire until there are too many to do in a day, a week, a year. Words spill from my tongue, words brilliant words, and ones I’m ashamed of now, ones that came so fast leaving me breathless and senseless. Scribbling becomes my true handwriting down every idea shooting from my brain. My Mania leaves me stymied; my behavior leaves my life in ruins. It’s seeing George Bush Sr.’s A Thousand Points of Light all connected; everything’s connected. Spending a lot of money on things I don’t need in thrift shops, Target, at the mall, or online. All things I need to accomplish lofty goals that I will forget about as I rise to the next one.
Happy Holidays! to you all however you choose to celebrate or not celebrate. May 2019 bring what you need it to bring you. I will be taking a short break this week and be back in January of 2019.